Listening is poor when

Poor listening skills in communication is one of the biggest problems in our society. It seems to be more relevant to tell about ourselves, everything we do, and whats going on in our life than learning about the person we talk to. We have the feeling we need to prove that were essential. There are floods of selfies, pictures of where we are, what we do, what we think, and what we own all over Social Media. Its easy to get the impression that this world has become a selfish world, full of attention seekers. Why is that?

I believe this is the result of bad communication skills. We are not listening enough. It seems to be a cry-out for attention, to be heard, even though with the wrong incentives. People seem to react more to a Facebook post than words spoken directly to them. I have customers who pay me for listening to them because no one else does.

Its a vicious cycle. We communicate with someone who only talks about himself. Afterward, we have a conversation with someone else, and we get rid of that frustration from the recent monologue by only talking about ourselves. Our victim might do the same, and so on. I believe, if we interviewed all these people, no one would have listened to their counterparts.

Listening is the ability to accurately receive and interpret messages in the communication process. Listening is key to all effective communication. Without the ability to listen effectively, messages are easily misunderstood. As a result, communication breaks down, and the sender of the message can easily become frustrated or irritated. //www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/listening-skills.html

Listening doesnt only mean to open your ears and let the words in. To listen, you also need the ability to process what the other tells you, not only letting the sound in. I like the expression, I hear you.

It doesnt only mean that the sound reached the ears. It is processed in the brain and ideally in the heart. Many listen without hearing. Men are incredibly excellent at that. Because they dont talk back, we get the impression to be heard. But if you ask something about what youve just said, they often dont know.

A good listener also empathizes with what you say. Without interrupting my conversation partner, I like to ask questions to understand better what they mean. It also gives them the proof of listening, that Im at least trying to understand what theyre saying and that Im interested in the conversation. Dont be afraid of a pause. It might feel awkward in the beginning, but it gives your counterpart time to think. Listen to the sound of silence!

I have learned a lot about listening and communication skills at my previous job as Sales Manager. Most salespeople pitch their products without much research about their prospects. Time is money, right! Its such an important skill to listen to your customers first before you start selling something.

The biggest mistake someone can make is pitching products; the prospect doesnt need or already have. You lose them forever; they wont listen to you anymore. I had customers who didnt buy first but remembered me listening and came back to me later.

I still get lots of messages on LinkedIn job offers or product pitches, which refer to my previous job. These people invest their time to search for potential candidates or prospects but dont even read the full profile. It makes me angry because it wastes my time and theirs. Someone pays them to do a crappy, unprofessional job! Recently someone reached out to me: I see your work at damnitshard.com. Since when do you work there? Can we talk about your future with them or other opportunities? A great example of not listening in another way. LinkedIn tells you precisely the starting date, and in my current job description, Im explaining exactly what I do freelancing. Do you think this lady ever got an answer from me?

Misunderstanding starts when we assume something instead of listening. We only follow our goal, instead of letting the other one say what they want to say. This way, we will never learn anything from a conversation. So why communicate at all? Its just a waste of time. But if we really listen, we might be able to learn something new!

It happens so often that I meet someone, they usually ask what youre working, and right away start to talk about themselves for the rest of the conversation. If Im on a private matter and the situation allows it, I get up and leave without saying anything and without letting them finish their monologue. Ive been told Im rude to do so. I dont think so. Its rude to assume Im willing to accept self-expression and narcissism. At that point, it could be anyone they need to talk to, and I tell them Im not the one.

For lots of people, it sounds like an invitation to rattle on me because Im a Life Coach. They start telling me their life story right away, and they expect a free coaching session. It depends on how someone approaches me. I can see very quickly if a person needs a good listener for self-development and healing or if its merely to chatter about themselves and how great they are. There are way too many of these people in the world! Maybe this is the reason why not many people are willing to listen anymore. In this case, I stop the self-expression by giving my contact details for an appointment and my hourly rate.

By listening more, we can find out so much about our conversation partner. No matter if its for private reasons or business. No one gets anywhere by only talking. We tend to see more quiet people as shy and secretive persons. How wrong! Theres finally a person who doesnt feel the need to talk about herself and who listens instead! What a gem! Go and ask a few questions, dont interrupt, let pauses happen.

Silence doesnt need to be broken by meaningless words, only because you feel insecure about it.

Most people listen with the intent to reply. They stop listening after the second sentence to think about what to answer.

I often become the witness of a communication competition. I love to listen to those. The most exciting and useful information we usually get from the quiet momentsthe pauses. Dont stop them; dont interrupt the silence. It means they are thinking. These are often more important than all the words spoken before.

Half of it is speaking and writing messages, the other half is listening. But do we really listen? How long are we quiet to fully concentrate on our counterpart, without thinking about something else?

Various studies stress the importance of listening as a communication skill. A typical study points out that many of us spend 70 to 80 percent of our waking hours in some form of communication. Of that time, we spend about 9 percent writing, 16 percent reading, 30 percent speaking, and 45 percent listening. Studies also confirm that most of us are poor and inefficient listeners.

Thought speed greater than speaking speed
Another reason for poor listening skills is that you and I can think faster than someone else can speak. Most of us talk at the rate of about 125 words per minute. However, we have the mental capacity to understand someone speaking at 400 words per minute [if that were possible].
This difference between speaking speed and thought speed means that when we listen to the average speaker, were using only 25 percent of our mental capacity. We still have 75 percent to do something else with. So, our minds will wander.
This means we need to make a real effort to listen carefully and concentrate more on our mental capacity on the listening act. If we dont focus, we soon find that our minds have turned to other ideas.
Dick Lee and Delmar Hatesohl, University of Missouri
Read more about their study here.

The human body has two ears and only one mouth. So we should actually listen twice as much as we talk!

By listening, we give our communication partner the feeling to be noted, to be heard. At that moment, its all about them. They will see you in a very different light than someone whos talking all the time. Your counterpart starts to think who you are, and they usually want to know more about you, too.

Just imagine, you meet someone you could be interested in as a potential partner. Would you still be, if that person only talks about himself? What base would that be for a possible relationship? A healthy and fruitful conversation shall also include silence and go back and forth but not by interrupting and just saying what you want to say but by being responsive.

Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self. Dean Jackson

Be mindful of the conversations youre having and analyze them honestly. Why did I speak? and What did I want to say? If it doesnt have any other reason than merely telling people about yourself, find out why youre doing it. Theres always a reason, of course.

Is it because you feel insecure, worthless, or are you doing it because everyone does it? Maybe you simply dont have anyone to talk to? Dont be ashamed! You can change. Either by getting someone professional to talk to or by becoming more mindful and following these listening skills:

1. Empathize with what is said
2. Avoid prejudice because of your personal experience or feelings
3. Be patient, dont interrupt
4. Keep eye contact
5. Ask questions, mainly to understand better, not to judge
6. Dont be afraid of a pause, let the counterpart think
7. Dont give solutions. Your solution isnt my solution
8. Give feedback to show youre listening
9. Repeat what was said to get confirmation, you understood it right
10. Check the body language
11. Hear the words between the lines
12. Dont get distracted
13. Put away your ego

If you want to get more information about Online Coaching or Counseling, dealing with depression & anxiety, Expat Coaching, or Mindfulness, please send me a message.

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