Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. However, many people arent certain what they should be communicating about. Spend time talking about a variety of topics to grow together as a couple and to prevent your relationship from becoming stale.
1. Your Daily Activities
All of your conversations dont have to be earth shattering. Spend time talking about your day-to-day activities. Discuss what time you woke up, what you ate for lunch, or what you discussed with a co-worker and help your partner understand what happens when youre apart.
2. Money
Talk about your budget. Discuss your saving and spending habits. If you combine your finances, set some financial goals and discuss strategies to help you reach those goals.
3. Places You Want to Explore
Start a conversation about the places youd like to visit. Whether you want to travel to your grandmothers house or you want to go on a cruise around the world, a discussion about travel can spark a lot of new conversation.
4. Emotional Growth
Share some information about your emotional growth. If you notice youve become wiser, less reactive, or more compassionate, share that with your partner. Point out the emotional growth you see in your partner as well.
5. Individual Goals
Its healthy to have individual goals. Whether you want to lose weight, learn how to prepare Chinese food, or learn how to line dance, set some goals for yourself and discuss those goals with your partner.
6. Spiritual Beliefs
Start conversations about your spiritual beliefs. Be willing to listen to your partners beliefs and be open to talking about the similarities and differences in your beliefs.
7. What Youre Watching on TV
Although watching TV isnt an active way to grow together as a couple, discussing what youre watching can help you learn something new about one another.
8. Politics
You dont have to agree on politics in order to have a discussion about it. You can learn a lot about your partner if you have a conversation about politics. Any healthy relationship should allow each partner to feel respected enough to share an opinion, even if it opposes the other partners opinion.
9. Goals to Address as a Couple
Discuss the goals you want to reach together as a couple. All healthy relationships should include shared goals for the future. Whether your goal is to volunteer at a homeless shelter together or save enough money for a new car, working together to reach your goal can help you stay close as a couple.
10. Your Past
Your partner doesnt need to know every skeleton in your closet. However, sharing information about your past can be very helpful. Talk about your childhood, past experiences, or obstacles youve overcome. You can also share how much youve learned and changed over the years.
11. Your Values
Its important to share your values with one another. Talk about your priorities in life. Its important for your partner to know how you feel about work, family, education, friends, and leisure time. Let your partner know what types of things you value the most and what changes you may want to make to ensure that youre living according to your values.
12. Your Dreams
Daydreaming together can be a great activity in any healthy relationship. Discuss dreams you had as a child, dreams youve let go, and dreams you still hold onto.
13. Your Feelings
Of course, talking about your feelings is an important part of communication. Be willing to share your joys and sorrows with your partner. Also, be willing to talk about what makes you feel angry, when youre disappointment, and when you feel embarrassed or hurt.
14. Family
Whether youve got a close relationship with your family or not, talking about family can be important. It can give your partner an inside look at what type of childhood you had as well as what type of relationship you have with your family members. Discuss how you want your family to be different from your family of origin, as well as which aspects you want to replicate.
15. Your Relationship
Discuss the aspects of your relationship that are working well and make sure to also discuss problematic areas. Talking openly about your relationship can ensure your relationship stays fresh and exciting.
We all fall into the trap of judging a persons character by their appearance. How wrong we are! All too often, the real character of the person only appears when some negative event hits them or you. Then you may see a toxic person emerging from the ruins and it is often a shock.
A truly frightening example is revealed in the book by OToole in Bowman called Dangerous Instincts: How Gut Instincts Betray Us. A perfectly respectable, charming, well dressed neighbor was found to have installed a torture chamber in his garage where he was systematically abusing kidnapped women. This is an extreme example, but it does show how we can be totally deceived by a persons physical appearance, manners and behavior.
So, what can you do? You want to be able to assess personal qualities when you come into contact with colleagues, fresh acquaintances and new friends who might even become lifelong partners. You want to know if they are:
- honest
- reliable
- competent
- kind and compassionate
- capable of taking the blame
- able to persevere
- modest and humble
- pacific and can control anger.
The secret is to reserve judgment and take your time. Observe them in certain situations; look at how they react. Listen to them talking, joking, laughing, explaining, complaining, blaming, praising, ranting, and preaching. Only then will you be able to judge their character. This is not foolproof, but if you follow the 10 ways below, you have a pretty good chance of not ending up in an abusive relationship.
1. Is anger a frequent occurrence?
All too often, angry reactions which may seem to be excessive are a sign that there are underlying issues. Do not think that every person who just snaps and throws his/her weight around mentally and physically is just reacting normally. Everyone has an occasional angry outburst when driving or when things go pear-shaped.
But if this is almost a daily occurrence, then you need to discover why and maybe avoid that person. Too often, anger will escalate to violent and aggressive behavior. You do not want to be near someone who thinks violence can solve personal or global problems.
2. Can you witness acts of kindness?
How often do you see this person being kind and considerate? Do they give money to beggars, donate to charity, do voluntary work or in some simple way show that they are willing to share the planet with about 7 billion other people?
I was shocked when a guest of mine never showed any kindness to the weak and disadvantaged people in our town. She was ostensibly a religious person, but I began to doubt the sincerity of her beliefs.
The best index to a persons character is how he treats people who cant do him any good, and how he treats people who cant fight back.
Abigail Van Buren
3. How does this person take the blame?
Maybe you know that s/he is responsible for a screw-up in the office or even in not turning up on time for a date. Look at their reaction. If they start blaming other colleagues or the traffic, well, this is an indication that they are not willing to take responsibility for their mistakes.
4. Dont use Facebook as an indicator.
You will be relieved to know that graphology [the study of that forgotten skill of handwriting] is no longer considered a reliable test of a persons character. Neither is Facebook stalking, fortunately. A study showed that Facebook use of foul language, sexual innuendo and gossip were not reliable indicators of a candidates character or future performance in the workplace.
5. Read their emails.
Now a much better idea is to read the persons emails. Studies show that the use of the following can indicate certain personality traits:
- Too many exclamation points may reveal a sunny disposition
- Frequent errors may indicate apathy
- Use of smileys is the only way a person can smile at you
- Use of the third person may reveal a certain formality
- Too many question marks can show anger
- Overuse of capital letters is regarded as shouting. They are a definite no-no in netiquette, yet a surprising number of people still use them.
6. Watch out for the show offs.
Listen to people as they talk. How often do they mention their achievements, promotions, awards and successes? If this happens a lot, it is a sure indication that this person has an over-inflated view of his/her achievements. They are unlikely to be modest or show humility. What a pity! Another person to avoid.
7. Look for evidence of perseverance.
A powerful indicator of grit and tenacity is when a person persists and never gives up when they really want to achieve a life goal. Look for evidence of them keeping going in spite of enormous difficulties.
Great achievements by scientists and inventors all bear the hallmark of perseverance. We only have to think of Einstein, Edison [who failed thousands of times] and Nelson Mandela to get inspiration. The US Department of Education is in no doubt about how grit, tenacity and perseverance will be key success factors for youth in the 21st century.
8. Their empathy score is high.
Listen to how they talk about the less fortunate members of our society such as the poor, immigrants and the disabled. Do you notice that they talk in a compassionate way about these people? The fact that they even mention them is a strong indicator of empathy.
People with zero empathy will never talk about the disadvantaged. They will rarely ask you a question about a difficult time or relationship. They will usually steer the conversation back to themselves. These people have zero empathy and in extreme cases, they are psychopaths who never show any feelings towards their victims.
9. Learn how to be socially interactive.
We are social animals and this is what makes us so uniquely human. If a person is isolated or a loner, this may be a negative indicator of their character. You want to meet a person who knows about trust, honesty and loyalty. The only way to practice these great qualities is to actually interact socially. The great advantage is that you can share problems and celebrate success and joy together.
One can acquire everything in solitude, except character.
Stendhal
10. Avoid toxic people.
These people are trying to control others and often are failing to come to terms with their own failures. Typical behavior and conversations may concern:
- Envy or jealousy
- Criticism of partners, colleagues and friends
- Complaining about their own lack of success
- Blaming others for their own bad luck or failure
- Obsession with themselves and their problems
Listen to these people talk and you will quickly discover that you need to avoid them at all costs because their negativity will drag you down. In addition, as much as you would like to help them, you are not qualified to do so.
Now, having looked at some of the best ways to judge a person, what about yourself? How do others see you? Why not take Dr. Phils quiz and find out. Can you bear it?
Featured photo credit: Jacek Dylag via unsplash.com