As a permissive parent, Mr twister is most likely to tell his temper tantrum-throwing son

In the last four weeks, we’ve looked at four different parenting styles and the effects they have on child, adolescent and even adult development.

We’ve learned that parents from Authoritarian homes use threats of violence to scare children into submission and that this can have long-term negative effects like developing poor confidence and self-esteem, becoming fearful and anxious, and lacking communication skills.

We’ve learned that parents from Neglectful/Uninvolved homes lack interest in their child’s needs and care mostly about what they want and need as adults; children from these homes tend to experience the most significant long-term consequences, like failure to meet developmental milestones and an inability to complete basic functions of adulthood.

We’ve learned that parents from Indulgent homes, in an effort to ensure their child’s happiness, will spend much of their time giving their kids the things that they want. These children are more likely to grow up expecting things to be given to them and may struggle with sharing with others, being a part of a team, and having a healthy marriage that involves give-and-take.

And finally, we’ve learned that parents from Authoritative homes use logic and reason to explain the reasons for their disciplinary actions and to help children to understand the why behind the parent’s expectations. We’ve learned that these children have the best chance of becoming productive members of society who know how to act and why it’s important to act that way in the given scenario.

We’ve learned throughout this process that the Authoritative style of parenting is the best style to utilize. What we haven’t learned is how to implement this style of parenting into everyday life.

Plain and simple, being an Authoritative parent is hard work. Being an Authoritative parent requires that you plan ahead in an attempt to educate the child before issues develop; it requires that you respond with warmth and guidance when issues do develop (because they will) and that you resist the temptation to yell, threaten violence, or try to intimidate a child into submission (which you’ll fail at because it is a really hard task and it’s ok to make mistakes every once in a while).

Being an Authoritarian parent is actually a lot easier than being an Authoritative parents. Most people can use threats of physical violence during a stressful moment to threaten a child into submission. That’s really not that hard of a task.

What’s difficult is knowing how to talk with a child to teach him why you’re asking him to do something or to stop doing something and how it’s relevant to his life. It takes hard work to refrain from yelling and threatening physical punishment, or trying to scare the child with your size and power.

One of the biggest criticisms that I hear from older generations (who were primarily Authoritarian style parents) of today’s parents is that if a parent isn’t spanking their child, they aren’t disciplining their child. This critique assumes that not spanking kids equates to being an Indulgent parent, but this isn’t an accurate understanding of the Authoritative parent.

Being an Authoritative parent does not mean being easy, soft or overly permissive to children. These parents still have expectations and are willing to give consequences for their child’s actions, but the consequences just don’t include physical punishment (or threats of physical punishment).

So let’s take a look at a few scenarios that help to explain the difference between the way the four different parenting styles would handle the situation and the lessons that are learned from each experience:

4-year-old Ally is standing in the grocery cart while her mom pushes the cart into the checkout line. Ally notices a bag of gummy bears and reaches out for the bag. Her mom keeps pushing the cart towards the end of the line and Ally begins to scream while she stomps her feet and holds onto the side of the cart, flailing her body back and forth.

This is a scene we’ve all seen too many times at the grocery store! A child is throwing an epic temper tantrum and looks like she’s never once received any sort of discipline in the past. So, how would the four different parenting styles handle this situation?

Authoritarian Parent Response

Ally’s mom reaches across the cart grabbing her and pulling her out of the cart. “Do you want a spanking?” Ally shakes her head no. Ally’s mom, holding her by the elbow and jerking her arm says, “Then stop that screaming or you’ll get a spanking, you hear me?!”

Neglectful/Uninvolved Parent Response

After a few moments of the screaming, Ally’s mom looks up from her cell phone and tells her to be quiet. Ally continues to scream so her mom hands her the bag of candy. Ally stops screaming and her mom returns to her cell phone.

Indulgent Parent Response

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Ally’s mom asks her. Ally screams, “Gummy bears!” Her mom, looking around in embarrassment at the other customers who are staring at Ally says, “Well, all you had to do is ask for them; you don’t have to scream about it” while she tosses the bag of gummy bears in Ally’s direction.

Authoritative Parent Response

Before entering the store, Ally’s mom had told Ally what to expect at the grocery store: “We are going to buy the groceries on our list, but nothing else. Both you and mommy won’t be able to buy any special treats today.”

When Ally begins to scream, Ally’s mom gently pulls her close and says, “Candy is not on our list today, and we’re only buying the things on our list. Your screaming is hurting other people’s ears, and if you choose to continue screaming, you choose to leave the store to take a time out in the car.”

Let’s look at another example:

Twins Sylvia and Steven have been fighting all day long. There has been constant screaming, physical fighting and tattling going on for the majority of the day.

The issue of sibling rivalry is one that most parents have to deal with on a daily basis. Parents typically want the fighting to stop because listening to the fighting is overwhelming and annoying for the parent.

So what do each of the four parenting styles do to stop this problem?

Authoritarian Parent Response

Mom, unable to take it any longer screams out at the children, “Your dad is going to be home in a few minutes and you guys are going to get the spanking of a lifetime! You won’t be able to sit for days!

Neglectful/Uninvolved Parent Response

Mom, unable to hear her TV show over the sound of her children fighting, turns up the TV and closes the door to her bedroom.

Permissive Parent Response

Mom, afraid of hurting her child’s feelings says, “Wow! You guys have been at it all day. We’ve been cooped up in this house with no outlet. Let’s go out for ice cream so we can get a change of scenery.”

Authoritative Parent Response

Mom, knowing that there is a fun event that the kids are looking forward to going to tonight says, “Your dad and I won’t be able to take you to the circus tonight if you’re acting like that. Screaming, hitting and tattling isn’t acceptable behavior anywhere, but especially not at a place like the circus. I suggest that you start practicing now how to act when we’re at the circus tonight, or I’ll have to find someone to stay at home with you while we go to the circus.”

So, what did the children learn from their parents’ responses?

Authoritarian

Ally learned instantly that her temper tantrum was not appropriate, but the motivator for stopping the behavior was fear, not logic and understanding of why it’s inappropriate to throw a tantrum to get what she wants.

Sylvia and Steven also learned instantly that their fighting was not appreciated, but the threat of or fear of “the spanking of a lifetime” that will prevent them from being able to sit for the next few days is the motivator for the behavior change, not the understanding that it’s unacceptable to fight like this.

Neglectful/Uninvolved

Ally learned that screams are the best way to get what she wants from a parent who isn’t all that interested in her life.

Sylvia and Steven learned that there is nothing wrong with fighting, because no one intervened to let them know that their behavior was inappropriate.

Indulgent

Ally learned that it’s ok to throw temper tantrums, because ultimately, she’ll get what she wants in the end. She also learned that all she has to do is ask, and she can have whatever she wants (a lesson that will be truly disappointing to her when she enters school, has playdates with friends, or grows up and gets a job).

Since their mom did nothing to discuss with them that their behavior was inappropriate, at worst Sylvia and Steven learned that fighting is rewarded with ice cream and other special events; at best they learned nothing about whether fighting is appropriate or not.

Authoritative

Ally learned that screaming and throwing a fit won’t get her what she wants, and it will result in removal from others (a natural consequence that is likely to occur in the future if Ally is loud and obnoxious in public).

Sylvia and Steven learned that their fighting behavior is not appropriate for most social settings and they will be asked to sit out from those social settings in the future if they can’t act appropriately (another natural consequence that is likely to occur in the future at school, church, movies, concerts, and other public events if they are fighting with each other or with others).

Remember how I said that those with an Authoritarian discipline style tend to believe that not spanking equates to not disciplining? Well, it’s important to note that both the Authoritarian parent and the Authoritative parent want the same result from their children, but the way they go about it is very different.

Keep in mind that the Authoritative parenting style still provided a consequence, it simply wasn’t a threat of violence. Instead, it was a natural consequence that is likely to occur at daycare, school, church or another public place if the children show similar behaviors.

Authoritative parents must be willing to follow up on the consequences that they offer if the child chooses not to comply, otherwise these parents begin to resemble Indulgent parents, which doesn’t help prepare children for their future in school, relationships and work settings.

Which parenting style is most likely to promote psychological autonomy in adolescents group of answer choices?

Which of the family communication styles is best characterized by the phrase my way or the highway?

Which personality characteristic is a major contributor to dissatisfaction and instability in a marriage relationship?

Which is true with regard to the nature of early parent/child interactions?