my husband doesnt listen to me when i talk

I dont even remember the exact conversation. But something told me my husband wasnt quite as interested as I was. It went something like this:

Me: I really think thats something we need to address. What do you think about the whole situation?

Husband [absorbed with his phone]: Mm-hmm.

Me: So you agree or disagree about what was said?

Husband: Yeah. [Briefly looks at me.]

Me [Attempting to choose humor over annoyance]: So then, aliens for dinner. Blah, blah, blah.

Husband: Mm-hmm.

Yep. My sweet husband wasnt listening.

Youve likely suspected at times that, intentional or not, your husband just isnt listening to you. Youve asked numerous times for help with a task he cant remember you mentioning. Or he suddenly has no idea why youre angry when youve told him at least once a day for the last week. Did he even hear you?

Wives, dont be so smug. You are just as guilty.

I know I am. The other day I was so completely focused on planning out the weeks activities, menus, and grocery list, that my husband was probably talking to me for several minutes before I ever looked up. Oops.

The age-old battle of communication in marriage isnt an issue thats going away on its ownin fact, this exact issue is addressed during the opening session of FamilyLifes Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. Communication struggles need to be identified [in a loving manner, I might add] before they can be repaired.

Below are four clues in your conversations with your spouse that tell you he or she might not be listening. After that, keep reading for reasons your spouse might not be hearing you.

Four Clues

1. He doesnt focus on you during the conversation.

Instead, his eyes wander to the television, his phone, a book, whatever.

Active listeners will convey their interest through both eye contact and body posture. At times Ive noticed that even if my husband is engaged in a task [like cooking or working on a car] and therefore cant look at me, his shoulders are slightly inclined to me. It lets me know hes listening even without eye contact.

2. She doesnt respond to what you are saying.

You ask a question, and your spouse doesnt answer. Sure, sometimes she might need a minute to think about a proper response. But if she doesnt even notice you actually asked a question, thats a pretty quick clue that you and your spouse arent communicating quite up to par. If shes listening, she will likely respond appropriately to what you are saying. Sometimes a simple nod to let you know she is listening is all you need.

3. He doesnt seem to understand [or care] what you are telling him.

It could be the way you present it, but if your spouse is actively listening, he should attempt to clarify the information you are giving him. So what you are saying is can go a long way in understanding someones viewpoint.

4. She is focusing on the emotion of the conversation, rather than the words being said.

Instead of hearing what you are saying, your spouse immediately becomes defensive or hurt or angry. My experience as a wife tells me this might be a bigger problem for the ladies. I am an emotionally driven person. I have a terrible habit of letting my emotions react and my brain catch up later. Hear the words your spouse is saying to you, and try not to focus just on your emotional response to it.

Improving your communication

If the clues above resonate with you, relax a little. Theres hope. Even the best marriages have struggles. But healthy communication is what can take your marriage from okay to great. It allows for a deeper level of intimacy and oneness with your spouse. And who doesnt want that?
Whatever the reason why your spouse just isnt hearing you, here are a few tips for improving your communication:

1. Understand that you and your spouse probably have two completely different communication styles.

I tend to think everything out loud and will likely share my feelings on every topic. My husband prefers a simpler, get-to-the-point approach, and long, drawn-out conversations are not his cup of tea. These differences can be a source of strife if we refuse to respect each others differences.

2. Talk to your spouse rather than at him.

Tone matters. No one likes to feel they are being lectured to, especially not your spouse. Are you using the same tone you use when telling your kids to clean their rooms? If so, expect your spouse to shut you out. Proverbs 18:21 gives us a sharp warning on this, Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

3. Dont let your own emotions rule the conversation.

Beware of emotionally charged words. Im not saying you shouldnt tell your spouse how you feel. Just understand that your emotions on a particular issue might not be theirs. Bringing anger to the conversation will likely cause your spouse to tune you out or react defensively. Ephesians 4:29 offers another important reminder on the power of our word choiceLet no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

4. Choose a time when you can talk each day.

One of the best tidbits of marriage advice weve received is to always make time to catch up with each other. This is also the one weve struggled to apply the most. Kids, work, and other schedule demands [not to mention just being exhausted at the end of the day] can make it hard to set aside a daily time to talk without interruptions. But the benefits on this one far outweigh the struggle of carving an extra 20 minutes into your day.

A skill you can learn

Thankfully, healthy communication is a skill couples can learn. Praying together is one way to start opening up the lines to proper communication with your spouse. But often, we need further help. The Weekend to Remember is a great tool for couples to learn not only what their communication styles are, but how to accept and respect each others differences while learning to fix broken communication habits and listen well to their spouses.
Ive learned I am an enjoy-the-ride communicator, while I am married to someone who prefers land-the-plane conversations. Respecting those differences allows me to have deeper, more meaningful conversations with my husband. And it ensures he is listening. Well, more often than not!

For more help with communication, be sure to read The Number One Problem in Marriage.

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